As the final days of 2018 draw near, it’s a good time to reflect on the days that have gone by. How do you evaluate a year? How do you determine if it was a good year or a bad one? I’m still imperfect, I’m still weak, and I am still a sin-prone human. But I’m not the same person I was 365 days ago. The God of amazing breakthroughs has changed me in tangible ways this year.
Here are three areas where I have experienced amazing breakthroughs in 2018:
1) I have grown more secure in God’s acceptance of me in spite of my flaws. Surprisingly, my revelation of God’s unconditional acceptance did not come from me reading the Bible or going to some anointed conference. It came one day as I was struggling with anxiety and being distracted.
I cried out, dead serious, “God, why do you put up with me?” And then it hit me, a truth I remembered from John 15: God is the shepherd and I am His sheep. God owns me. I am His, and He can’t do a thing about it. Just as I can’t disown my own daughter, God can’t disown me because I’m a screw-up. I belong to Him. I am His. He has no choice but to be my Shepherd. Poor guy, right?
This truth settled in my heart that God won’t turn me away because I am a flawed human being. In fact, those are just the types of people that He longs to love Him and turn to Him!
Have you also discovered this truth, that God won’t turn you away because you mess up over and over? You are His, too.
2) This year I learned that confrontation is truly a good thing. I remember a sermon by one of my pastors, Michael Thornton, that taught that confrontation was a good thing because it caused the truth to come out. I hated that sermon, because I hate confrontation and I avoid it like the plague. Just writing about it makes my heart race.
You see, I am a sensitive, insecure woman, and I survive this harsh world by doing whatever it takes to avoid confrontation and keep everyone happy with me. I am a confrontation sissy. A conference leader (and dear blog reader) once suggested a book to me called Loving Confrontation and I purchased it and read the first chapter. And I had a panic attack. I haven’t touched it since and I have no idea where it is.
But Pastor Michael was right.
I had a strained relationship with a close family member for over four years. It started with a disagreement and we were both at fault. Afterward, I didn’t want to talk about “the elephant in the room” because I don’t do confrontation, so we just pretended like everything was fine. But it wasn’t. Two people who needed each other were hurting.
During this time, God was leading me to consistently seek to rebuild trust with this loved one. It was hard, but I obeyed Holy Spirit’s leading.
In August, this dear one suggested that we should talk. I finally felt brave enough, so we did. We talked honestly about the recent strain, and we discussed old issues, too. It hurt some, and it was HARD, but the truth came out.
That pastor was right. Confrontation is good. The truth sets us free.
3) You may wonder about me as you learn my 3rd breakthrough. I learned this year is that “anxiety” is not necessarily demonic. That may sound crazy to some of you, or make sense to some of you, or upset some of you, so let me explain. I’ve been part of the charismatic church scene in Wilmington for over 20 years. In a variety of churches and groups, I’ve seen that the pat answer given to people who express worry or fear is this:
“Well, as the scripture says, God hasn’t given you a spirit of fear, so it must be from the devil.”
Wow, I feel encouraged now! I’m worried, and I’m demon-possessed!
I’ve carried a massive load of guilt and shame because I struggle with anxiety. My body responds with a racing heart to simple things like showering and letting the dog out. Many people have not understood this, and when I’ve bravely reached out for help, I’ve had more scriptures quoted at me. I’ve felt like I was both mired in sin and demon-possessed.
But not everything is a sin or a demon – some things are purely physical. I learned this in August, when I had a herniated disk pinching a nerve in my neck and I was in severe pain. My brain was busy dealing with pain, and the anxiety VANISHED. It was completely gone. When I explained this to my orthopedist, she said that anxiety is just “over-thinking” and my brain could not focus on the pain and anxiety at the same time.
My problem was not the sin of worry or a demon of fear, but just my brain being on “fast-forward” when it was supposed to be just on “play.”
Just as some people suffer from allergies or diabetes or high blood pressure, I suffer from anxiety. It’s a physical issue. Knowing this has given me peace in my heart that God is not mad at me.
Overall, 2018 has been a good year for me. I’m far from perfect, but I’m better than I was 365 days ago. I have grown and changed and experienced breakthroughs in knowing my identity:
- I am God’s.
- I can bravely confront people.
- I’m not a bad person because I have anxiety.
In all of these areas, I’ve learned to love myself a little more and give myself grace for my shortcomings. I’m certainly not anywhere close to being perfect, but I am closer to Jesus. And I wouldn’t trade that for anything.
What about you? Where did you grow and change? Leave me a comment below.
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