Category Archives: Anxiety

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The day I almost lost my mind

Shame had kept me silent. Few people knew the intense battle I had been having with panic attacks. Not even my pastor was privy to the emotional upheaval that existed in my mind. My doctor knew because he was prescribing the medications that were helping me to function. But fear of judgment had kept me from telling people how bad it really was.

The smallest thing caused me to feel panic. I was scared to take a shower. I was scared to wash my hair (the picture below was not staged). I was scared to fix my breakfast and let the dog go out and fill up my Tervis with ice. Why? Because in previous days, when I had done those things, my body panicked and my pulse raced and my chest felt like I was having a heart attack.

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I’m coming out of the closet about my panic attacks

I walked slowly from the kitchen to my bedroom in the early morning light.  With every step my body became heavier and heavier and as soon as I stepped through my bedroom door, my petite body collapsed onto the carpet.  I could hear Brian getting ready for work in the nearby bathroom.  I weakly called out to him.  And then he called 911.  I was scared but I also remember being mortified by the thought of an ambulance racing to our home, wondering, “What will the neighbor’s think?”  That happened four summers ago.

panic attacks

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Keeping my peace in the Christmas Chaos

Worry is imaging the future without God

Guilt. Shame. Worry. We all struggle with something. I’ve been walking with God for over 20 years, and these are some of the things that I still struggle with. But worry is my vice. I think of the book Pride and Prejudice, where Mr. Bennett says that Mrs. Bennet’s nerves have been his “constant companion these twenty years.” For me, fear and worry have been my constant companions for my 44 years.

There is one area of fear and worry that has stuck around as I have grown and matured. It comes around once a year, right after Thanksgiving. It is the fear of shopping in the month of December.  It is the fear of leaving my home on Saturdays in December, or going out AT ALL the week of Christmas. Especially Christmas Eve, when throngs of people are doing last minute shopping and are clogging up parking lots and roads. My heart beat is speeding up just thinking about it!

Shopping

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