“Today is going to require a lot of makeup,” I thought as I sat at my makeup mirror. A couple that we knew had deeply wounded me by rejecting me. This was not just a minor bruise…I cried for 5 days. I even woke my husband up one morning, sobbing. And on this day I was going to see them for the first time at a social gathering. I was so broken that I wanted to stay home, but why delay the inevitable.
So I pulled out my purple eyeliner, purple mascara, and hot pink lip gloss. My goal was to use lots of makeup and to put a happy face to mask my quivering heart.
I took a deep breaths and bravely walked into the event. There they were. I instantly felt nauseous. I dropped my belongings and quickly made a beeline to the ladies restroom before the tears started. Thankfully, a friend was there. I took one look at her kind face and burst into tears.
What my broken heart longed for was for this couple to waltz up to me and say, “Oh Lisa, we are so sorry for hurting you. We made a HUGE mistake in rejecting you. You are so lovable that we can’t imagine anyone ever not liking you. How can we make it up to you?” Even as I imagined that, I knew that it wasn’t going to happen.
When we are rejected, and trust me, we will be, what will we do?
Will we sob for days, refuse to see people, or slander their character? Will we cuss them out, never forgive them, or choose to be reconciled? Here are some steps that helped me walk through these very difficult waters.
1) Face the one who hurt you. You can’t stay at home forever, so smack on some lip gloss to give you some confidence and go face them. Be brave.
2) Keep your mouth shut. Gossiping and getting others involved in your problem is going to make it bigger, not better. If you need to talk to someone, seek out a pastor, a mentor, or one trusted friend who can keep her mouth shut, too. You don’t need to tell your whole family or your neighborhood or all your coworkers.
3) Choose to forgive them. Forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling. Say, “I choose to forgive them for…” And list their offenses against you. It really helped me to say this out loud with a pastor. Tears were involved, but it was so freeing.
4) If God leads you, humbly go and talk to them about what happened. I recommend that you wait a few days until you are no longer quite so upset. And don’t do this over text or email. It needs to be a phone call, Skype or Facetime, or meet for coffee. You may not feel like it now, but your ultimate goal, if possible, is to be reconciled to the one who hurt you. It is not an easy road, but it is definitely one that shapes your character.
5) Don’t seek revenge. I thought of a gazillion mean things that I wanted to say to this couple to their face, or to others. God consistently told me to “lay my arrows down.” Put down your weapons. Even though I wanted to hurt them like they hurt me, that was not love. That was revenge.
6) Trust in God to heal your pain. It takes time, and is not easy, but God can heal us from even the deepest wounds.
7) Seek help. You may need to talk to a counselor or pastor to help you heal. I did. Most importantly, give yourself time. If you’ve endured a very emotional trauma, you may grieve as well. Be patient with yourself as your recover and return to wholeness once again.
I’m happy to stay that I was able, in time, to seek reconciliation with this couple. It took months, but I sat down with each of them, individually, and talked it out over coffee. That took lots of lip gloss! But by being brave and facing the ones who hurt me, I gained much needed courage and character and I grew in mercy and forgiveness.
God never wastes a thing but uses it all, even rejection, for good.
At this point, I can honestly wish them well. I can sincerely pray for God to bless them. I truly forgive them.
But I didn’t shed any tears when they moved away!
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