For months, the Zoloft prescription sat on my desk gathering dust. I didn’t need it. I stubbornly thought I could beat my anxiety disorder without it. I didn’t want to break down and have to go on medication. Month after month I valiantly battled anxiety. I read books, talked to friends, prayed, binged on worship, and refused the help my doctor had offered.
Finally, declaring defeat. I broke down. I filled the prescription.
Me, during a debilitating anxiety attack
There is something new in my life. In addition to seminary. In addition to traveling and speaking. In addition to the five pounds I’ve gained in 2019. I’ve applied to become a member of the Apostolic Network of Global Awakening. You know what? I didn’t know this, but officially, I am an “itinerant minster.” (I can never spell that word) What that means is that I travel and speak. As such, I’ve applied to join a network of other “itinerant ministers,” missionaries, and churches so that I can be trained, supported, and be connected to others doing what I am doing.
People have always loved to tease me. Maybe its because I’m 4’10” and I’ve always been a bit gullible. When I was a child, my brother teased me by telling me that I was adopted. Anyone who looked at my petite shape and my mother’s (and my grandmother’s) would know that wasn’t true, but they had me going. And sometimes I played along as the dumb blond, making it all the more fun.
My brother took advantage of my gullibility by giving me some advice as well. When I was little, I thought my nose was big. Being a helpful older brother, he told me that if I did “nose exercises” by wiggling my nose back and forth, my nose would “lose weight” and be smaller. I faithfully exercised my nose but there was no change. Thanks, bro!
Sharing is caring. If this post encouraged you, will you share it on Facebook so that it could bless your friends,too? Thanks for helping me to reach more struggling women with encouragement, hope, and grace.This blog post begins where so many of my posts begin: from a tender moment that occurs while I am enjoying my morning coffee and nature. Today I’m on the porch of a 100 year old cottage in the mountains. I’m in a rocking chair (of course), covered with a fuzzy blanket (because the mountains are cool in June) and water from last night’s rain is dripping on my head from the tree above me.
And the best part is that my ears are full of the sounds of birds and streams and peace.
As my body woke up from a night of slumber, so did the constant fear that rolled over and over in my stomach. I had recently completed a three minute speaker promo video and I had shared it with my family and friends, including a lot of pastors and ministry leaders. I even shared it on Facebook. I was unsure how people would receive it. I felt vulnerable. Exposed.
I was terrified of being rejected.
Sharing is caring. If this post encouraged you, will you share it on Facebook so that it could bless your friends,too? Thanks for helping me to reach more struggling women with encouragement, hope, and grace.“At some point in life, we must come to know who we are, like who we are, and be who we are.” – Lloyd Penley
I received this message on a beautiful Saturday morning via Facebook from an older, wiser pastor. It challenged me. It made me think about who I am, and if I like that person. I’m blessed that in general, I like who I am. I think I’m fun, humorous, creative, and a good friend. But then I began to think about the part of me that gets her feelings hurt easily and who avoids conflict like the plague. I began to think about my weakness. I don’t like that part of me.
“Don’t fall. Please don’t fall” I pleaded with the beautiful china plate as I tried to hang it on the wall. I had recently made it with beautiful, sparkly jewels and I was hanging it on my colorful back porch. The plate hanger was hanging over a nail, but I was trying to “engineer” the two together (with a wire) so the plate wouldn’t fall off the nail and break.
And then…
SMASH!
Sharing is caring. If this post encouraged you, will you share it on Facebook so that it could bless your friends,too? Thanks for helping me to reach more struggling women with encouragement, hope, and grace.I was minding my own business, sitting in my Bible study chair and reading through my journal. God and I were talking about my leadership of my churches ladies’ ministry. I fiercely love the women that I lead, but I struggle with the confrontation that is involved with leadership. I’ve been growing as a leader in this area, but working through conflict is still extremely hard for my sensitive tender-hearted self.
I was reading back through my journal and seeing where God had sent people to encourage me in my leadership journey. I was reading the kind and sweet things they had said when I suddenly burst out in tears. A deep, agonizing prayer came from within me: “GOD, I CAN’T DO THIS WITHOUT YOU.”
Some people make life look easy. They face their hard days with smiles on their faces. They shepherd their large families with contented hearts. They stare down cancer diagnoses with great faith. They handle rejection by leaning on God. The way they carry themselves and face trials is admirable.
When I look at myself in comparison, well, I’m not weathering life’s storms with as much grace, faith, or strength. Girls, I cry, a lot. In the car. On the floor curled up in the fetal position. At the doctor’s office. With my friends. During worship. And at Harris Teeter. I am personally responsible for the financial security of the Kleenex Corporation.
My family traveled to the mountains for Mother’s Day weekend. When I looked at the rental website, I saw a cottage that was by a lake. The pictures looked so peaceful and my overwhelmed soul longed for the peace that I saw in the lakeside beauty. I quickly made a deposit and signed the rental agreement. And then I looked forward with anticipation to sit by the tranquil lakeside, longing for the peace that it possessed.
“He leads me by still waters. He restores my soul.” Psalm 23:2
