Crumpled. Squeezed so tightly that you are left bent and wrinkled. This word describes my life in the past few months. It has been extraordinarily difficult. Most people assume that my struggles have just been with migraines, but my struggle has been a raging battle in my heart. I have been caught up in a epic spiritual battle whose outcome affects my future, my calling, and my ministry.
I sat across the table from my spiritual mother, drawing life and comfort from her healing words. I was lonely, confused, scared, and feeling unwanted. My husband and I had recently left our church and church family of nine years. The senior pastor had said from the pulpit that if people left the church because they were frustrated then no church would want them. And we had left because we were frustrated. And I felt unwanted and that no church would want me. I was like a spiritual leper – an outcast – and undesirable.
The last few months of my life have been filled with some emotional drama. Conflict that I have had with trusted friends led to my heart being broken. In my brokenness, I wanted to give up. Everything. At times, even my life. Every day I would hound heaven with questions, trying to understand why I was so broken emotionally. I sought the Lord for His help and deliverance from this place of unrelenting sadness.
There are many different reasons that families or individuals leave churches. Sometimes the church does not offer the programs that the family desires for their children. Sometimes the vision or leadership of the church changes. Often, though, in our fallen world, people get hurt or offended. Some leave churches in anger and bitterness, swearing to never step foot inside their doors again. Others leave churches because it hurts too much to stay.
A friend text messaged me recently asking, “How does one leave a church?” I don’t know that there is one right way. I only know how God led our family to leave a church 9 years ago.
Have you ever been doing something that you know that God has called and gifted you to do, but you just want to quit? Sometimes walking in the ministry that God has given us is just plain hard. Recently I have been wrestling with God’s call on my life to lead and to teach. I have wished that I could just quit being a leader and a teacher, and just serve in the background again. I know that God has called and gifted me to be a leader and a teacher, but I just don’t want to do it anymore. It is too hard and it hurts to much.
My fantasy is that I could simply give out food at my church’s Food Pantry and not lead women or teach the Bible. Somehow handing out bags of rice and beans in my Fantasy Island seems less likely to draw hurtful criticism.
“I AM A WRITER!” The words came flying out of my mouth and took me by surprise. I was taking my morning walk and talking with God in the cool of the day and bloop! Out popped those words. “Me? A writer?” I questioned. I might as well have said that I was a fireman or a fisherman or a pro basketball player.
Well, why not a writer? I write, don’t I?
But the thing is, I’ve always said that I wasn’t good at writing. I am more the STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering and Math) girl. In high school, I excelled in Calculus and Physics and Chemistry but struggled in English. Like, the worst grade that I made in high school was in English. The math and science concepts gelled in my mind like flies to flypaper but words and grammar and poetry always alluded me. They still do. Seriously.
Don’t ask me to analyze a poem. I’d rather have five root canals without novocaine.
Sharing is caring. If this post encouraged you, will you share it on Facebook so that it could bless your friends,too? Thanks for helping me to reach more struggling women with encouragement, hope, and grace.It was a Sunday morning, and my teenage children and I were together at church. My son Gregory was in the worship band, rocking it out on his bass guitar. He was swaying back and forth, almost dancing, and belting out the song lyrics with a strong confidence. Later, during communion, I found a quiet place to pray with my daughter Hannah. I let her pray first, and she prayed so long that I didn’t think I would get to have a turn. She prayed a beautiful prayer that touched my heart.
It was later in the day as I was relaying these events to my husband that I realized that in spite of myself, my children had turned out well – they are hard workers, they have tender hearts and they unashamedly love Jesus.
Sometimes a trial comes when we least expect it. Mine came this past spring. I was being used mightily by God teaching a Bible study. I was experiencing God’s anointing, listening to His voice,and walking in obedience. I was surrendered to His will for my life and willing to do anything for Him. I was abandoned to God and perfectly positioned for Him to use me with power. God had me in His bulls eye, but so did the devil.
Some people make life look easy. They face their hard days with smiles on their faces. They shepherd their large families with contented hearts. They stare down cancer diagnoses with great faith. They handle rejection by leaning on God. The way they carry themselves and face trials is admirable.
When I look at myself in comparison, well, I’m not weathering life’s storms with as much grace, faith, or strength. Girls, I cry, a lot. In the car. On the floor curled up in the fetal position. At the doctor’s office. With my friends. During worship. And at Harris Teeter. I am personally responsible for the financial security of the Kleenex Corporation.
I’ve been studying the Old Covenant in the book of Exodus for a Precept Bible study that I am preparing to teach. Moses, the great leader of old, is a prominent character in this story of how God gave the Law to the people. Over and over Moses went up on the mountain and spent forty days and forty nights with God. And as I read the story, a jealousy rises up in me. I want the relationship with God that Moses had.
